I had an amazing night last night.
I was at the sports bar,
And I met this really, really hot woman.
Hot woman, yeah?
Get to the part where you notice her Adam's apple.
Believe me, she's all woman, okay?
Her name's Natasha.
She's pretty, she's got a great personality.
I'm tellin' ya, Raymond, we really hit it off.
Yeah, all right.
So then what happened, you ran out of singles?
Will ya stop? Will ya just stop already?
I'm tellin' ya she really liked me.
There was just one little problem.
- What? - It... it's really not a problem.
I shouldn't even use the word "problem."
It's just a minor, minor, minor thing.
All right, what? What is it?
She thinks I'm you.
Whoa, whoa!
You met a woman who thinks that you're me?
I'm at the bar, right,
and she spills her drink on me,
and we start talking,
and I'm telling you, we really connected.
I was actually quite charming.
And the bartender passes me a towel, right?
And he goes, "Here you go, Mr. Barone."
And we're in a sports bar,
so she just assumes I'm Ray Barone from New York Newsday!
And you didn't correct her?
She seemed so happy to meet you.
She's a big fan of yours.
Yeah, but... listen, you can't...
Whoa! A hot woman is a big fan of mine?
I couldn't believe it, either.
Did she mention any particular column?
She did say something about a "Cal Ripken" profile
just before we...
Bah-bah bah-bah bah-bah!
No! No!
Come on, first night?
Big fan!
Ha! I did get a lot of good feedback
on that piece.
You certainly did.
Hey! Whoa! Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
If she knows my writing,
then... then she must know I have a wife.
Had, had a wife.
You said I was divorced?
- Widower. - You killed Debra?
Had to be done.
But don't worry.
You stuck by her through a very long illness.
You were wonderful.
And just so you know, you never had any children.
What?
I couldn't leave any loose ends.
Look, man, you've got to set her straight.
This is not right, what you're doing.
I know. But I really like her,
and I don't want to blow this.
I just have to pick the right time to tell her.
I got to lay the ground work.
Make sure you do it because it's wrong, man.
It's wrong, what you're doing.
- I know. - All right.
So how hot was she?
Oh, Raymond... so out of your league.
Oh...
Oh, I love when they're out of my league.
Hey, hey, hey...
let me ask you...
while you were...
did she say my name or anything?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I cross over some moral line, Ray?
All right.
Just suffice to say she was really into you.
Ah! Great!
I finally have sex, I'm not even there!
She was a dynamo!
- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah!
How was I?
So-so.
Hey, what are you doing to me?
This was sent to my office. Come on!
"To the beginning of a wonderful romance.
Love, Natasha."
I can't have this there. It's like a time bomb.
Thanks for bringing it over. Bye-bye.
- I get at least two of these brownies. - No,
- the brownies are for me, thank you. - Come on!
I'm heading for work, so I'll see...
Oh... hi.
Hi.
Natasha,
this is my brother, Robert!
Brother Robert, this is my friend Natasha.
It's so nice to meet you, Robert.
Ray has said so many good things about you.
He has, has he?
You should hear how he brags about you.
"What a great cop Robert is." You're like his hero.
Ahh-ha...
Ray...
He's told me all about your commendations
- and your promotions... - Really? Yeah.
Yeah, that's no big deal.
They give you those just for showing up.
Ray said you were wounded in the line of duty.
Oh! Oh, yeah. He told you that?
That was actually kind of stupid.
I, uh, I allowed myself to get gored in the ass by a bull.
Don't be so modest.
First of all, he was saving people.
It was actually the upper thigh.
No, no! No, right in the ass.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Really, really stupid.
And... I still complain about it.
Will you stop it? Stop being so funny.
Everybody thinks I'm the funny one. He's the funny one.
This guy is a crack-up. You're a great cop.
Get out of here!
No, no. I'm an okay cop.
I would rather be a great writer
like my brother Raymond.
He's a cultural hero.
You're out of your mind. I'm just a scribbler.
A scribbler, yeah.
Did you happen to see the profile of Cal Ripken Jr?
- Oh, I loved that piece. - Really? Me, too.
What about you? Robert's planning a clothing drive
for the police athletic league.
He just can't stop with the giving.
I don't believe you two.
No?
I've never met two brothers who get along so well
and admire each other so much.
- It's unreal. - It is unreal.
Well, somebody raised you right. You must have amazing parents.
Yeah... they would amaze you.
I've got to go.
I hope to be seeing you again, Robert.
Oh, yeah! Right, right.
Oh, how did this get here?
Oh, yeah. Robert brought this over.
He stopped by my office this morning and delivered it here.
- Always thinking of me. - Hmm.
Hey, Ray, could I get one of those brownies?
Certainly.
Thanks, Ray.
That's funny. Ray does that chin thing, too.
Yeah, we're both idiots 'cause we do that.
That's cute. That's cute.
I'll see you later, Ray.
I swear to God I was gonna tell her last night.
I-I just want to make sure that she knows
what a great guy Robert is, see?
I'm trying to get her to fall for me.
Yeah, like she's gonna dump me for you?
You watch... I'm slowly making the transfer.
I build up who Robert is...
the kind, compassionate police officer...
and I downplay the shallow, heartless sports writer...
until she says, "Gee, Ray,
I wish you were more like your brother,"
and then, ta-da!
Ta-da! You're a psychotic liar!
Just tell her the truth.
- I'm gonna. - Tonight.
But there's ground work.
- Psychotic! - All right!
I'll tell her tonight.
All right.
She is pretty, though.
- What'd I tell ya? - Mmm.
Way out of my league.
- Mine, too. - Yeah.
You know, it's like...
neither one of us could've gotten her on our own, but...
but melded together,
we were like a whole other... entity.
Like a superhero.
We were better than just Ray.
Better than just Robert.
We were... Raybert.
Come on, you were on your way out anyway.
You can't help your brother
with his laundry down the stairs?
We're Raybert.
Yeah, Raybert. What the hell you got in here anyway?
Just some socks and unmentionables.
Too bad they're not "unsmellables."
- Hey. - Hey.
- You know her? - Yeah, right.
Hey, let me help you sort some of this stuff out, Ray.
Excuse me,
do either of you have change for a dollar?
Uh, no. No, I don't.
But you know what? My brother, Ray Barone probably does.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you probably do, right?
He's a top sports writer over at "Newsday."
So what do you say? Can you help her out, Ray Barone?
I think I might have change.
Oh, yes.
Top writer at "Newsday" is gonna have plenty o' change.
Thanks.
So this guy must be the president of your fan club.
No, no.
No, I'm just his brother, Robert, that's all.
You know, but I am proud of his accomplishments.
Yeah, you bet I am. You two go back to what you were doing.
You work out that change thing. Yeah, go ahead.
So you're Ray Barone.
Uh, yes. Yes, I am.
My father loves your column.
Well, thank you.
So does my father.
And his father, 'cause... 'cause we're brothers.
Yeah... all right. Let's do laundry!
Hey, it works. Raybert works!
All right. But I like Natasha.
Oh, you can't tie Raybert down like that.
Raybert may be two guys, but he's a one-woman man.
Come on, I just want to see what happens.
Thanks for the change.
- You're welcome. - You're welcome.
So you... you're using number seven.
There's a great agitator in there!
Okay.
L-listen, tell your dad if he ever wants to talk sports,
I'd be happy to.
That's so nice.
Thanks.
I'm Wendi.
I'm still Ray.
- I'll see you around the building. - Okey-dokey.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye.
Aah! Aah!
Oh, God!
Ray.
I gotta tell ya,
that was wild watching that!
It's like I invented a world where ladies want Ray!
Bert! Raybert!
Yeah, yeah. Raybert, Raybert.
Listen, with your availability
and my mystique, we...
we're unstoppable!
All right, but you have to understand
we may have unleashed an awesome power here.
But with that power comes responsibility.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You got to start working on my wardrobe.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm Natasha. Is Robert here?
Uh, no... not at the moment.
- I met him this morning... - You met Robbie?!
- Yes. - Did ya like him?
- He seems very nice. - He is very nice.
- I'm his mother. - Marie!
What? I'm interested in my son's friends.
What's your last name, Natasha?
- Leonetti. - Italian!
Well, on my father's side.
Good enough! Come on in, dear.
I just wanted to drop off some things
for the police clothing drive.
Okay. You're more than welcome to leave them here,
but you might do better taking them to his place.
Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't Robert's house.
I saw "R. Barone" in the phone book. I just assumed...
It's okay. We'll make sure he gets them.
Thank you. It was nice meeting you.
- You, too. - Well, hello.
- Hello. - Frank...
Frank, this is Robbie's new friend, Natasha.
Natasha.
Well, any gorgeous friend of Robert's
is a gorgeous friend of mine.
Where is Ray? I want to see his dead toenail.
I think I got the same thing.
Ray's here?
Oh, yes, he's upstairs putting the kids to bed.
Kids? What kids?
How do you...
how do you know Ray?
We met at a bar.
What do you mean? Through Robert?
No, I met Robert through Ray
'cause Ray and I are kind of "dating."
Holy crap!
Wait a minute. What?
Is there a problem?
Um, no, there's no problem.
I'm just surprised that my husband has time to date.
What? You're his wife?
Ray said you were dead!
Holy crap!
# Ray singing #
Shame on you, young man!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Didn't I teach you anything?
You got a problem with your woman,
you don't go out and get another woman!
Now all you got is two problems!
Wait a minute!
Okay. Just back it up, everybody.
Robert, what is going on?
That's not Robert. That's Raymond.
You're not Robert?
If you just let me talk, I can explain everything.
I am Robert.
Wow! That is one bad alibi!
I come to fix sprinkler.
What's your name?
Let me show you where that water valve is.
Ray!
Sorry, man.
It's all right. Forget it.
I am Robert Barone, Lieutenant, NYPD.
And this is my brother...
Raymond,
Sports writer, "Newsday."
How could you do this to me?
When you first mistook me for Raymond,
I didn't want to let you down.
So you lied to me?
I have to get out of here.
No, wait, Natasha...
listen. I was gonna tell you so many times.
It's just that I really like you, and I didn't want you...
you see, people seem to respond differently
to Raymond.
He's always been "the funny one, the smart one,
the favored one."
We've never shown any favoritism.
See, you got to understand
I've always wondered what it would be like to be Raymond.
And it was even better than I thought it would be...
because I met you.
I can't believe this.
You didn't have to do that!
- I liked you! - Really?
But not anymore.
This is so humiliating.
I hear ya.
And what did you think,
I was some Ray Barone "groupie"?
You know what? Goodbye whoever you are!
It's... it's not you,
it's that she said, "Ray Barone groupie."
All right, Dad.
That's got to be a pretty small group.
All you got left is her.
I'll say this, Robert.
You're scaring off a better class of broad.
Always there for me, Dad.
He's right.
Why won't you let me help you, Robbie?
He should be able to help himself.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You have to pretend to be somebody else?
I mean, please, how old are you?
You have got to have a little more self-esteem!
You're right. I'm an idiot.
Yes... no! That's... no!
That's what I'm talking about!
When are you gonna see
what other people see in you, Robert?
I know, I know.
It started as a mix-up,
and then Raymond and I just started having so much fun with it.
Wait a minute. Ray and you?
By "Ray," he means him because of that thing he did.
No, no. I'm not blaming you, Ray.
It's my fault.
I enjoyed being Raybert, too.
Raybert?
Yeah.
That's what we called us. It was fun.
And it worked.
There was Natasha, and then the girl in the laundry room.
The girl in the laundry room?
I go fix sprinkler now.
Oh, good, he's here.
Dad, this is Ray Barone.
- Um... - That's not Ray Barone.
- What? - I've seen him in interviews.
- Listen... - This guy told you
- he was Ray Barone? - Yeah!
What are you trying to pull?
You're not Ray Barone?
I have self-esteem issues.
What is wrong with you?
No one knows.
Stay away from my daughter, understand me?
Or I'll call the cops.
A-a-actually I am a cop.
You want to play with me now?
Let's go.
From now on, you do your laundry at home.
Weirdo!
That doesn't help my self-esteem!
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